My First blog post is a personal and heartfelt one. This website aims to demonstrate how I design and hold ceremony for others, but this post describes how I created and held a ceremony less than a month ago in the midst of grief having experienced pregnancy loss at 11 weeks. It is my intention that this may give some ideas to other people going through the same thing. Even if it is years after your loss, it is never too late to hold a ceremony.
I do also understand that for some, this may be too much to action themselves, so please do get in touch if you would like some assistance. I can design this with you and hold this space for you to grieve, to say good bye and to release with love.
My experience of pregnancy loss was marred by a confusing and disempowering experience at hospital. In the end I knew my body would do exactly what was needed. Having experienced an incomplete miscarriage it took some time to ‘complete’. Initially this felt like it would be unbearable, how could I wait weeks through this happening? Of course, this was fear talking. In actual fact the process was kind, I was totally tuned into my body and was able to navigate it myself. At each stage my body spoke to me about what it needed. I listened, and responded.
I felt called to hold a letting go ceremony on the 20th October, with the Full Moon. Despite not having fully completed the physical process, I felt emotionally and energetically ready. I work with the cycles of the moon holding ceremonies for others, but this time it was just for me and my husband. It was somewhat of a last minute decision, and I feel it important to remember that this does not take away from the validity or sacredness of a ritual or ceremony. I wasn’t wearing my ceremonial robes, and that is OK. If ceremony is about marking life’s passages, sometimes these creep up on us and we have an invitation to keep it simple. Trust that we know exactly what we need.
I see the clear sky and feel the moon calling me forth. We gather objects for the ceremony:
Roses sent by my parents
The first piece of tissue I had passed
A stone from the beach I had decorated with a dove whilst pregnant on holiday
(In hindsight I would also have taken some spring water to water in the seeds)
Knowing the exact spot where I feel at peace, a place we can visit quietly in nature, we left on foot. The air was bitterly cold and neither of us were prepared, dressed too lightly. We embraced this feeling with the understanding that we can not always be prepared for what is given to us. During the walk there we spoke of our journey together up until now. My cravings for Branston pickle, every sensation and feeling along the way, how it felt to be on this journey together. The moon was there, through the trees, playing her enticing tune to join her.
When we reached the spot, the moon shone so brightly, with a rainbow ring surrounding her. After grounding myself, I called in the elements. Connecting first with my ancestors, with the soul of my unborn baby, with the powerful fire which destructs to create a fertile environment, love, with the moon herself, our emotions and with Mother Earth who holds us softly. My husband lit our candle and I began to dig the hole to return my baby to Mother Earth. The ground was so hard but I knew I had the strength. Working responsively to where the earth wanted to give way, a space burrowed diagonally within the ground, less like a grave and more like a passageway, a tunnel. I returned them to the earth and we said our goodbyes.
We spoke so much of love, my husband repeating ‘we love you so much’ and how grateful we are for our journey together. I spoke to my ancestors and asked for them to guide this soul on their onward journey, if needed. I placed the roses with care, and we sewed seeds to the place where our baby will now give life to beautiful flowers that will feed the bees and butterflies. Watering them in with our tears, the moon at our back, I turned and drew down the power of the full moon. I released myself of any remaining feelings of guilt, fear and anything that no longer serves me.
Extinguishing the candle and placing my stone alongside the roses, the ceremony was coming to a close. I gave my thanks to the elements and we started our descent home. It was now time to speak of our future and of the lessons gained from my pregnancy. The moon was beaming in front of us, guiding us home.
Support for anyone affected by pregnancy loss:
https://cradlecharity.org/ (Early pregnancy loss)
Please know that I am here openheartedly simply to hear your story and hold space for your grief. If you feel called to, you can leave a comment below. If you would like me to come and hold ceremony with you, I am currently offering this for free, requiring petrol expenses only if outside of my area.
Sending love to all babies who did not make it earthside, or could not stay long, and to all those affected by pregnancy loss. You are not alone.